


This Is Me

by Punrise



Series: This Is Us [1]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Coming Out, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-15 01:57:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15402447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punrise/pseuds/Punrise
Summary: Over a modest dinner of seasoned chicken and vegetables he and Richie were going to tell their parents that they were dating. Richie is optimistic, Eddie is not.Eddie and Richie have decided that coming out together is the best course of action.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia. Not so present in this chapter, but definitely will be in the next.

Eddie wipes his clammy hands on his shorts, swaying anxiously from side to side as he waits for Richie at the entrance of Derry High. They’re going to walk home together, Richie’s going to spend the afternoon at Eddie’s and Richie’s parents are going to come over for dinner tonight. It took a lot of persuading on Eddie’s part for that to be allowed, but by some modern miracle he had done it. Over a modest dinner of seasoned chicken and vegetables he and Richie were going to tell their parents that they were dating. Richie is optimistic, Eddie is not.

He knows that his Ma is going to throw an absolute fit, but he’s hoping it won’t be too bad in the presence of the Toziers. Richie reckons that his parents will be fine with it, and Eddie can’t help but feel a little jealous at that. It was Richie’s idea to tell both his parents and Eddie’s Ma together, though, so at least he’ll have the support of the Toziers when his Ma starts to scream. That makes him feel a little bit better, but not much.

“Hey Spaghetti,” Eddie jumps as Richie claps his shoulder. He’d zoned out for a minute, and didn’t see him coming. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Eddie nods, slipping his hand into Richie’s. “Do you want to take the long way round? We’ll be able to avoid Bowers if he’s on one, and we’ll have more time together before we have to pretend to be ‘just friends’ for a bit.”

“Sure thing,” Richie nods and the two start to walk. “So, how are you feeling about tonight?”

“I want to back out,” Eddie admits. It’s true; he’s thought about coming out several times. If it wasn’t for Richie and his parents also being there, there’d be no way in hell he’d go through with it. “You don’t understand what my Ma’s going to be like, Rich. I wouldn’t put it past her to lock me in my room for the next week or, I don’t know, take me up to the ER to get treated for catching ‘the gay’.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, then?” Richie stops walking. He’s frowning. “Eddie if you’re not feeling ready then that’s okay. It can wait. We can just not tell her — not until we get married and we’ve adopted kids. We can wait until we’re eighteen, and she can’t do anything about it. We can —”

“I want to tell her,” Eddie shakes his head. He wipes at his eyes that are welling with tears. “I need to tell her. I’m just worried about it, that’s all. I-She’ll come around to it eventually, whether it takes weeks or months or years but I just need to get it out Richie. I can’t hide it until we’re eighteen that’s, like, another three years.”

“That’s fair enough,” Richie says. “But if at any point you decide that you really don’t want to go through with it then just tell me.”

“I will. But I want to do it today, deep down under all the fear. If I don’t then who knows when I will?” Eddie says.

“You’re the bravest person that I know, Eddie Kaspbrak,” Richie says, giving Eddie a kiss. “I would tell you that you’re the most beautiful person I know too, but that title is reserved for myself.”

“You’re such an asshole,” Eddie giggles, pushing Richie away. “It’s a good job that I love you.”

///

They’re halfway to Eddie’s house when they get Bev’s text about meeting in the barrens. Eddie calls his Ma, tells her that they’ll be a little later than expected (but still in time for dinner).

They meet at their underground clubhouse, the space illuminated by their phone flashlights and with Richie’s speaker playing quiet music. Bev and Richie leave to share a cigarette, respecting that the others don’t want the smoke filling up the clubhouse, and when they come back Bev is smiling widely at Eddie.

“Richie told me,” she says. “I hope it goes well.”

“Me too,” Eddie laughs nervously, leaning his head back against the wall. Then, to clarify to the others what they were talking about, “Richie and I are going to come out to our parents tonight.”

“ _Holy shit!_ ” Mike yells. “It’s about damn time. Is your Ma going to be okay with it, though Eddie?”

“I don’t think so,” Eddie shakes his head. He chews on his bottom lip. “But what is going to happen will happen and she has to find out at some point. I think it’s better sooner rather than later.”

The rest of the Losers congratulate them, making them swear that they’ll tell them how it goes. They leave with big hugs and fist bumps and promises that Eddie will always be accepted within their group even if his Ma has the biggest freakout of her life.

They make it home an hour before the Toziers arrive. Eddie is barely able to smile at his Ma when he sees her in the kitchen, but he does and he’s glad that he doesn’t have to keep the secret for much longer.

///

Eddie and Richie spend the time that dinner is being prepared up in the smaller boy’s room. They work on school work for a little while and then spend the rest of the time watching random YouTube videos and playing on Richie’s DS. The time goes by way too quickly for Eddie’s liking and before he knows it the doorbell is ringing and Richie is bounding down the stairs to greet his parents.

Eddie hangs back a bit, standing on the bottom step as he leans against the bannister. The Toziers shake hands with his Ma, thanking her for inviting them over. They compliment his Ma’s dress and it’s one that Eddie has never seen before; maybe she cares more about the dinner than she had let him believe. Maybe she knows that something big is going to happen.

Dread settles in his stomach as the five of them filter into the dining room. They take their seats, and Eddie’s leg starts to bounce nervously. He sees Richie reaching out to rest a hand on his kneecap but he makes eye contact and shakes his head: they can’t let the adults know. Not yet. They need to tell them, not show them.

His Ma brings out the food, seasoned chicken and vegetables with potatoes on the side. It’s what was agreed on, and a dish that his mother made fairly often. The chicken was over cooked, Eddie noticed, after grace was said and they began to eat, probably because of his Ma’s fear of getting or giving Eddie food poisoning. He chews on it for a long time before he’s able to swallow, a lump growing in his throat bigger and bigger as time goes on.

About halfway through the meal, when the conversation had dwindled and they were sitting in a comfortable silence, Richie catches Eddie’s eye. Eddie nods. Now is the time. He puts his knife and fork down and straightens up. Richie does the same.

“Mom, Dad, Ms. Kaspbrak,” he says, looking around at all three adults. “Eddie and I have something that we need to tell you.”

There is a pause afterwards and the adults looke on, worry evident on all of their faces. Mr. Tozier somehow manages to look both worried and amused at the same time.

Eddie’s hands are shaking and he hides them in his lap. He speaks. “It’s, uh,” he locks eyes with Richie. “Richie and I are dating. Have been for over six months.”

There’s another stretch of silence. Eddie doesn’t want to look away from Richie, but when Richie turns to face the table he does too. The Toziers look happy, Mr. Tozier leans over to give Richie a high-five. He gives one to Eddie too who gratefully accepts it.

“I thought you were going to tell me you’d both dropped out of school or something,” He says, fake wiping his brow. “I’m glad that you’re gay and not messing up your future.”

Richie laughs and that and Eddie does too, turning back to face his boyfriend. He doesn’t think that Richie has ever looked so happy and when Richie turns to face him, pure joy and relief are evident. He’s handsome and Eddie leans over to give his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek.

Eddie’s smile is short lived when he sits back and turns to face his Ma. She’s glaring at them both, her mouth open and as soon as Eddie makes eye contact with her she starts to wail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://pun-rise.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia, homophobic slurs.

Eddie’s breath hitches in his chest as the Toziers fall silent and the sound of his Ma’s wailing fills the dining room. He bites his bottom lip hard, wiping at his eyes with his free hand. He doesn’t want to cry in front of her; it’ll only add fuel to the fire and he already knows that he’s in for it. She’s not going to let him out of the house for the next week, she’ll homeschool him, he’ll never be able to see Richie again.

“Sonia,” Mrs. Tozier speaks, and Eddie’s gaze drops down to the table. “This reaction isn’t fair. Your son has just told you something important about himself and you’re —”

“No!” His Ma screams, jabbing a finger in the Tozier’s direction. “You don’t get to say anything about this; your son has corrupted my Eddie-Bear! My son is not gay. He can’t be —”

“But I am, Ma!” Eddie cries, pulling his hand from Richie’s grip to wipe his cheeks. “I knew I was gay even before I met Richie, so you can’t blame it on him. I won’t let you!”

His Ma is bordering on hysterical, hiccuping sobs echoing through the house. Eddie almost feels bad for making her reach this state, but then he realizes that that’s what she wants. She wants him to feel bad about this, she wants him to apologize and take it back and then she’ll want him to pretend that this never happened and she’ll sweep it all under the rug. Eddie would be back at square one, having gone through the whole ordeal with nothing to show for it; no doubt he’ll be made to break up with Richie and then what? His Ma would set him up with a girl that she thinks is suitable and they’ll get married and have kids and Eddie will never be allowed to express his real self. He doesn’t know if he can live like that.

“And I’m not going to let you manipulate me into taking this back, Ma. You don’t scare me anymore!” he doesn’t mean to say it out loud, but the thoughts spill from his mouth before he can stop them and the last part isn’t entirely true but he shouts it anyway.

His Ma’s face is a deepening red, and Eddie wants to turn and run and shut himself in his room and never come out. But he can’t. He needs to stand his ground. The minute that he falters, she’ll use to her advantage and he’s spent too much time fearing her. Richie looks like he’s getting read to say something and the Toziers look absolutely outraged, but it’s his Ma who gets the next words in.

“All I’ve ever done is be a good Ma to you, Eddie-Bear,” she sobs. “Is this how you’re going to repay me? You’re going to throw away all of my teachings just so you can rebel against me? Turn your back on God just to be a fag—”

“No, Ma,” Eddie’s voice is defiant, but his body is trembling. He wants to stand, but he’s not sure that his legs will be able to hold him up. “This isn’t a rebellion. It’s me. I’m gay and I’m in love with Richie and nothing that you ‘teach’ will stop that. God made me this way and He loves me either way.”

“Look, Mrs. Kaspbrak,” Mrs. Tozier stands up. “Maybe Eddie should come over to ours for the night. It’ll give you some time to get yourself together and —”

“ _No_!” His Ma screeches. Eddie flinches at the sound. “No. My boy is not going anywhere with you! Your Richard is the one who caused this,” She turns on Richie now, jabbing her finger in his direction. “This is _your_ fault and I don’t care what Eddie says! —”

“Ma!” Eddie screams, silencing the room. “Stop it! Just fucking _stop_ okay?!” He doesn’t react to the gasp that his Ma lets out when he curses. “You’re making this about you, and it’s not fair. None of this is your choice. You don’t get to decide whether I’m gay or not. It’s not your call and I’m not going to let you make that —”

“Eddie-Bear —”

“Let me speak,” He’s still shaking, but it’s more with anger now than anything. He glances down at Richie who gives him a nod. “I’m going to Richie’s for the next couple of nights, and you’re not going to stop me. When you’re finally ready to accept me for who I am then you can come get me but I’m not coming home before then, okay?”

He leaves the dining room then, running up the stairs to his room. His chest is tight and he glances at the aspirator on his desk, starting to reach for it before he remembers his conversation with Mr. Keene in the pharmacy years ago. It’s not real. He’d promised his Ma, when he’d confronted her about it in the hospital, that he’d still keep taking it but that’s over now. He’s not going to play along any longer, though. He leans against the wall, breathing deep, and soon enough his chest isn’t tight and he can breathe properly.

“Eddie?” There’s a soft knock at the door, accompanied by Richie’s voice. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah.” Eddie nods, sitting down on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He hears the door open and then the mattress dips down beside him and there’s an arm around his shoulders.

“That sucked,” Richie says. “I’m sorry, Eddie. I don’t know what her problem is.”

“I’m not what she wants me to be,” Eddie says. “That’s what her problem is. She’s controlled me my entire life but now she can’t and she hates that. She’ll come around to it eventually but I just don’t know if I can live with her until she does.”

“That’s fine, Eddie, I don’t blame you. Come on, let’s pack some things,” He stands up and Eddie does the same. “You’re welcome to stay at our house for as long as you need.”

“Thanks Rich,” Eddie pulls him into a hug. “At least it went well with your folks. We can’t say that we weren’t expecting my Ma’s reaction.”

“Doesn’t make it any less gutting,” Richie shrugs. He hugs back before crossing the room to pull down Eddie’s suitcase from the first shelf of his closet. “You want to take this or do you have a duffel bag or something?”

“Suitcase is fine.” Eddie says. It’s kind of funny, he thinks, that’s he’s packing a damn suitcase because he doesn’t know how long he’s going to be gone. He doesn’t know how long it’ll take for his Ma to come to terms with what she’s been told. That hurts.

They spend about twenty minutes packing. They bring all of his school things, clothes, his laptop. He leaves behind his pills and aspirator to Richie’s surprise but, as he explains to him, he doesn’t need them. He doesn’t want them. He knows that his Ma will see that he’s left them behind and she’ll realize that she doesn’t have any power over him anymore. That’s his rebellion. Not being gay.

Mr. and Mrs. Tozier are still in the dining room when the boys come downstairs. Eddie looks around at the plates of food still half eaten and his mother’s empty seat and bursts into tears. Immediately he’s swept into a hug by Mrs. Tozier who rubs his back and tries her best to comfort him. He’s so grateful for the Toziers and that just makes him cry more as he hugs her back.

Once he’s calmed down for the most part, they leave the house. When Eddie looks over his shoulder he sees his Ma watching them from her bedroom window. He swallows down bile that rises in his throat and gets into the Tozier’s car. He has an urge to wave goodbye as they start to drive but he feels like that’s too bitchy and he doesn’t. He just stares down at his lap for almost the entire drive.

They pull up to the Tozier’s house and he and Richie go straight to Richie’s bedroom. It’s a mess but for once Eddie doesn’t mind. He’s just glad that he’s not at his own house and collapses onto Richie’s bed. He’s ready to just fall asleep, absolutely exhausted from the stand that he just took. He hears Mrs. Tozier call Richie’s name, and closes his eyes as Richie leaves the room.

When he comes back, Eddie is aware that he’s not on his own. He opens his eyes to see the whole Losers Club. Ben and Bev are holding boxes of pizza and Mike has two bottles of soda. Richie’s carrying plates and plastic cups.

“Thought you’d still be hungry,” Stan breaks the silence, crossing the room to sit on the bed next to Eddie. “And that you could use the company.”

“We love you, Eddie,” Bev says. “And you’ll always be accepted in the Loser’s Club.”

Eddie doesn’t know how many tears he’s shed in the past two hours but he adds more to the count because how has he managed to find such great friends? Although he’s still upset, it’s almost easy to push that aside and join in the conversations of his friends as they sit around eating more pizza than they should. Although his Ma might not accept him, at least he has other people in his life that do. He doesn’t know what he would do without them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally had this put as a 2 chapter fic but it's actually 3 parts so sorry for that!
> 
> Thank you for reading and also for the amount of support that has been shown for this fic, I really appreciate it!
> 
> [tumblr](http://pun-rise.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

It takes eight days for Sonia Kaspbrak to knock on the Toziers’ door.

Eddie and Richie have just arrived home from school when the knock echoes throughout the house. The boys rush to Richie’s window, pressing their faces against the glass as they try and figure out who it is. There, looking miserable as ever, stands Eddie’s Ma and a lump grows in his throat as he backs up until his legs hit Richie’s bed and he collapses onto it.

“You okay, Eds?” Richie asks, frowning a little. “You don’t have to speak to her if you don’t want to. I can go down and tell her to fuck off.”

“No,” Eddie shakes his head, closing his eyes. He smiles a little. “I just didn’t think that she would ever come; I thought I’d be living here until college.”

Richie laughs and they both sit on the bed in a comfortable silence until Maggie calls them downstairs (she had demanded two days ago that Eddie should call her Maggie instead of Mrs. Tozier) and they leave the room holding hands.

They linger in the door to the living room where his Ma is sat in one of the armchairs, and Eddie doesn’t move when she opens her arms up for a hug. There’s no way in hell, he thinks, not for a long time. She looks upset when she drops her arms back down to her side but Eddie doesn’t feel anything about that — she was the one that lost him with her inability to accept him.

“I’ve decided that, although I may not agree with it, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be gay,” She says and Eddie can’t help but feel that the statement is a little backhanded. “I was out of line that night, although you were too, and I’m sorry for that Eddie. What I’m trying to say is that I accept you, but you need to give me time to adjust to all of this.”

“What do you mean adjust?” Eddie asks. “Ma, I’m still the same person I was when I was living with you. Nothing’s going to have to change just because I’m gay.”

“But you’ll be bringing back boys —”

“I’ll be bringing back Richie,” Eddie shrugs. “I’ve had Richie over plenty of times.”

“Yes, but now that you’re dating —”

“It’s been, like, six months, Ma,” He says. “I’ve had him over during that time. We’re not- we don’t do anything. It’s just like having a regular sleepover.”

She looks like she wants to say more but in the end she just shrugs and falls silent. It stays like that for a couple of minutes, Richie squeezes Eddie’s hand reassuringly when he takes a step into the living room. There are still things that they need to work on; Eddie knows that his Ma doesn’t fully understand or accept him but he never expected her to. Having her come over and speak to him meant a lot, more than he could ever say, because he had spent most of his childhood seeking her approval and he’d be lying if he says that he doesn’t anymore.

“Are you going to come back?” Sonia asks as he settles down into the other armchair, Richie perched on the arm.

“Can I think about it?” Eddie doesn’t meet her gaze. “I’ll, uh, call you when I’m going to come back.”

///

It’s another four days before Eddie ventures back to his house. The Losers help him carry his things from Richie’s and he calls ahead and asks if they can stay the night. His Ma, to his surprise, says yes (even to Beverly, which is a first). He’s not sure that he wants to be alone for the first night.

When they leave the next morning, Eddie hides in his room. His Ma had tidied it while he was away, but having seven kids in one room didn’t fare well for tidiness. So, he tidies it and then spend the rest of his time either on his phone or reading until he’s called down to dinner. He’s hesitant to leave his room but he reassures himself by telling himself that if everything goes badly again, he can always go back to the Toziers’ house. They wouldn’t turn him away.

“Hey Ma.” He says as he enters the dining room, sitting across from her. She stares at him with a frown on her face and he swallows thickly. “What’s wrong?”

“You didn’t take your medicine with you when you left,” She says and he looks awkwardly down at his plate of pasta. “I was so worried about you, Eddie. What if you’d had one of your nasty asthma attacks?”

“I just forgot it,” He lies. Does she remember their conversation in the hospital all those years ago? He’s known it was fake since before then and he hasn’t had an attack since. “And I didn’t. I was fine without it. You don’t have to worry about me so much anymore, Ma. I can take care of myself.”

“I’ll always worry about you, Eddie-Bear,” His Ma says. Eddie doesn’t look up from his pasta. “Too much for my own good.”

“Ma,” He sighs. They both can’t keep avoiding this and although it’s not a conversation he wants to have, they need to. “We need to talk about it — Richie and I — because if we don’t then we’re never going to get anywhere.”

“Well, what is there to say?” Her voice is clipped, and when he looks up she’s stabbing her pasta with more force than needed. “You're gay and I need to learn how to accept it. It won’t be easy, sure, but —”

“You just have to treat me normally,” Eddie says. “You wouldn’t be like this is if was bringing girls home. Would any of this happened if I told you I was dating Bev?”

“No, but —”

“There you go,” Eddie shrugs. “There’s no difference between me dating Richie or Bev. Sure, Richie and I might be the same gender but the love is still the same.”

“You won’t be able to have kids though,” His Ma has stopped eating. “I want grandkids, Eddie.”

“We can get a surrogate or adopt,” Eddie grits his teeth. Again, she’s making it about her. How dare he love a boy, right? Sonia needs grandkids! “But I’m not even sure if I want kids. They’re loud and messy and gross.”

“That’s true,” Sonia nods. “So, there’s nothing that you and Richie can’t do that a straight couple could?”

“I guess not,” Eddie shrugs. “I mean we’ll always be up against bigots but I’m sure we can handle that. The most important thing is that we still have each other. I just… Ma, I’m not asking for a lot. I just want you to love me for who I am.”

“I know,” His Ma says quietly. “And I do. It’s just taking a while to get used to, you know? My son has his first boyfriend. Wouldn’t you say that’s quite a milestone, Eddie-Bear?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Eddie smiles.

He’s glad that’s she’s finally opening herself up to the fact that her son way gay. Years ago he wouldn’t have even dreamed of having this conversation with her. Maybe, down the line, she would revert to her old ways. Maybe as her church friends whispered how wrong it was into her ear she’d start to listen to them, but Eddie didn’t want to think about that. It was a possibility, yes, but right here and right now she was on the road to accepting him and he couldn’t be happier.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and kudos on this fic. It really means a lot to me. I really hope that you’ve enjoyed this fic! 
> 
> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> [tumblr](http://pun-rise.tumblr.com)


End file.
